DOMINIONISM

n. a tendency among some conservative politically-active Christians to seek influence or control over secular civil government through political action — aiming either at a nation governed by Christians or a nation governed by a conservative Christian understanding of biblical law.

”Ug nog aark ark grag!!!” McCane opened his weary eyes to see an angry monkey in a sweater staring him in the face. McCane swatted at his captor with his titanium canehand, but it was no use. He was restrained. Judging from the giant Jesus Fish on the monkey's ivory wool sweater, his run for the presidency of the Arby’s New World Order Continental Airlines Illuminati United Nations was probably over.

A door opened and four monkeys entered carrying a chair on their shoulders. The figure in the chair wore a similar wool sweater with greek letters on it and a black leather mask with zippers over the eyes and mouth. The biggest monkey, whose muscles rippled under his shiny auburn coat, reached up and unzipped the mouth of the figure’s mask. The figure spoke. “Allow myself to introduce - myself. I am Gimp W. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-utch. Welcome to the basement of the fourteen-millionth Bank of America ATM in the Tri-state Area. When they had the gift of speech, these good Christian monkey-men called themselves Dominionists. They took over the United States g-g-g-g-g-government sixty years ago and harnessed monkey stem cells to reward themselves with the fulfillment of their most profound wish: the ability to prove to the world once and for all that evolution n-n-n-n-n-never, er, evolved, and that God's laws were the only laws worth living by. Now they copulate indiscriminately, eat at Friday's and take nasty dumps everywhere and throw it at each other.

"Before Cyborg Dick Cheney was torn limb from limb in the Third Western Massachusetts Lesbian Softball Rebellion, he chose me to be the articulate leader of the monkey-men and lead them to the Promised Land that we recently annexed from the Idaho Militia. I haven’t gotten around to it yet since I’ve been too busy blowing lines off of my m-m-m-m-master’s b-b-b-boots, but I’ve really had a great time. Since these monkeys have also lost their sense of irony, they don’t know how funny it is that they gave up their humanity to be ruled by a coked-out simp-bitch. But if you think about it, its pret-ty f*ckin’ hilarious.”

“I don’t find it funny at all,” sneered McCane, whose carbonite-infused muscles strained against the straps which still kept him from crushing the blunt skulls of his simian captors.

Gimp W. unzipped his eye holes, leaned forward and said “You need to relax, bro. Just go with it. There’s no fighting the fact that Jesus H. Christ, Our Lord and Savior, knew what he was talking about when he said wise things like ‘No dancing on Sundays.’ and ‘Why use common sense, when you can do what I tell you?’ Stop being such a bitch, or I’ll have Bob Jones here go nuke-yular on your ass.” The auburn monkey flashed a row of white corn fed teeth that looked as if they had benefited from orthodontia.

No one called McCane a bitch. He certainly wasn’t going to sit here and let this gimped out monkey-leader rule the ANWOCAIUN. He was not going to allow these freaks to deprive children of air conditioning because Moses got by without it just fine, or prohibit award shows because Mary Magdelene never won an Oscar. There was no need for savagery!

The light in the room dimmed briefly and McCane saw the lavender face mask of his effeminate sidekick Bloomjob in the window above Gimp W.’s head. He knew Bloomjob would somehow find a way to buy him out of his restraints. Then they would feast on monkey brains like Indiana Jones and put an end to this absurd theocracy. For the time being, he would grit his teeth, deny his humanity, and grunt like the rest of the monkeys. Sometimes you have to make compromises in the face of Christian monkeys in sweaters and a gimped out, stuttering fraternity-boy-man-president. After all, it was better than his stint in the vast underground fetus farms of his former captor, the president of the People’s Republic of Chappaqua. That was enough to turn your hair white.