CHIMERA

n. an individual, organ, or part consisting of tissues of diverse genetic constitution

SESQUIPEDALIAN

adj. given to or characterized by the use of long words ("sesqui" Latin "one and a half" + "ped" Latin "foot"...so it literally means "using words that are a foot and a half long," like my gnomewang)

After having endured a good bastinadoing by the Jesus Monkeys for sixteen hours, McCane managed to free himself from his bonds, cage up the Jesus Monkeys and overpower Gimp W. Butch, just as the freak's master arrived. Gimp W. quivered with Anglo-Saxon excitement as his master slammed the door to the dungeon. William F. Buckleytron sized up McCane, picked up his giant, studded oak paddle and gave him a wink. "I'll deal with this monkey man for you, squid! Assume the position, bitch!" Gimp W. bent over and squealed "JUST LIKE BACK IN THE TOMB!!! JOY!!!" Buckleytron then let loose an effusive stream of twenty-five dollar words, the likes of which McCane never managed to learn while doing push-ups at Annapolis. Angered by all this "smart talk," McCane raised his cane-hand to smite the lovers, but was distracted by the lavender mask of his idiot sidekick, Bloomjob, who was still looking in through the window with his mouth agape. Useless effeminate billionaire sidekick! Now that he was free, McCane would have to dole out some of his own "Christian understanding" on his non-believing henchperson. But first he needed to escape the basement of this Bank of America ATM...

SOLIPSISTIC

adj. extremely egocentric (n. solipsism; "sol" Latin "only", "ipsos" Klingon "self")

"The Gay Super Bowl is an exercise in solipsistic self-congratulation."

MISNOMER

n. an error in naming a person or thing.

TOOTHSOME

adj. sexually attractive - "Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Eleanor Roosevelt are some seriously toothsome wenches!"

RECRUDESCENCE

n. the state of becoming raw or sore again

“George Washington’s thoughts about his time in Sing Sing prison for robbing a WAMU (ironic) caused a recrudescence of feeling that was difficult to suppress.”

George Washington is back in Williamsburg in his Bedford Avenue loft. There is an open bottle of chardonnay and a wine glass on the coffee table. He is using the long weekend to catch up on episodes of Lost that he missed while he was “away.” His Blackberry Pearl rings. Its Abraham Lincoln:

Washington: Yo, sup. Lincoln: Sup, man? W: I thought you went skiin’ this weekend? L: Nah. Gotta go to my mother in law's house. W: For what? L: My birthday. W: Lame. Yo, did you see my slave anywhere? L: I let him go, dude. W: Haha, funny. No, seriously, where is he? L: I let him go. I gave him my Metro Card and told him to find a job. W: In this city? He can’t even read. Where’s he gonna work, Foot Locker? What the F*CK!? I needed him to pick up my dry cleaning. L: It wasn’t right. Oh also, I took back those library books you stole. W: Dude you’re such a pu$sy! No balls. L: Your mom’s a pus$y. W: Take that back. My mom could kick your ass. L: Your mom couldn’t kick Ben Franklin’s ass. W: You leave my BF out of this. L: “My BF”? What the hell does that mean? You guys must have gotten real close on Rikers, huh? W: It was an awkward turn of phrase, and it wasn’t Rikers, it was Sing Sing. I am not gay for Ben Franklin. L: Yeah whatever, dude. Yo, can you spot me half a G? I have to pay my bookie. F*cking Patriots. W: F*ck that, go borrow 500 from my slave. Oh wait, you can’t, because he’s somewhere on the aboveground railroad taking valuable man-hours with him that could have been put to good use arranging my wigs and answering my thousands of friend requests on myspace, you douche! L: Come on, just spot me, please. Don’t make me tell Martha what you did at Sing Sing to get your wooden teeth back. W: Who the f*ck told you about that?! L: Your BF. W: That BITCH! I told that phildoodle not to say anything! I gave him ten cans of snuff to keep his pretty mouth shut, and this is how he does me? You know how many times I saved him from being raped by skinheads in the joint? Those guys were ready to tear his bifocal wearing ass up! All that kite flying $hit on the yard. I’ll kill that motherf*cker! L: Relax. Come on, let’s go get massages down on Mott St. I heard Ling is back. I know how you like that absurdly long toe of hers on your prostate! W: F*cking Franklin told you ALL my secrets, didn’t he! I’m gonna get that f*cker. (grabs his axe) L: Seriously, calm down. I’m not gonna tell anyone else. W: Who the f*ck did you tell? L: Just Jesus. He’s not gonna tell anybody. He’s too high to remember half the $hit I tell him most of the time. W: Christ, what a stoner. Does he still make you say grace when you eat at his house? F*cking weirdo. L: Nah, he’s into some eastern $hit these days, like incense and nine hour masses. I think he does so much praying on Sundays that he can’t be bothered with grace. W: Poor guy. He was never the same after he made his own foreskin grow back. That really messed him up. So what time are we meeting on Mott St.? L: Six okay? W: Yeah, fine. That will give me time to pick up some new nonsweatshop produced briefs in a variety of colors from American Apparel. You know I don’t like walking out of Pretty Lotus Intimate Time Fun Palace without a new pair of skivvies on. L: Yeah Martha can smell those sloots all over you. She’s like a goddamn she-wolf. Hey, it’s better than her smelling Franklin’s peanut butter, capers and Brut, ain’t it? W: If you mention him one more time, I’m going to bludgeon you with the business end of my axe, bitch. L: Alright. I'll take your word for it. I know you don't lie when it comes to hacking $hit up. All I have to do is ask that Columbia student whose pinky toe they think they found in Morningside Park. Six at Pretty Lotus Intimate Time Fun Palace, k? W: Yeah, later.

MALAPROPISM

n. an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, esp. by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.

DEGRINGOLADE

IT'S A COOKBOOK!

n. a rapid decline or deterioration (as in stregth, position, or condition) "de-gringo-lady." This word was coined by Mexican migrant workers to refer to their favorite candidate, and it's meaning ironically signifies her primary performance of late.

BASTINADO

DOMINIONISM

n. a tendency among some conservative politically-active Christians to seek influence or control over secular civil government through political action — aiming either at a nation governed by Christians or a nation governed by a conservative Christian understanding of biblical law.

”Ug nog aark ark grag!!!” McCane opened his weary eyes to see an angry monkey in a sweater staring him in the face. McCane swatted at his captor with his titanium canehand, but it was no use. He was restrained. Judging from the giant Jesus Fish on the monkey's ivory wool sweater, his run for the presidency of the Arby’s New World Order Continental Airlines Illuminati United Nations was probably over.

A door opened and four monkeys entered carrying a chair on their shoulders. The figure in the chair wore a similar wool sweater with greek letters on it and a black leather mask with zippers over the eyes and mouth. The biggest monkey, whose muscles rippled under his shiny auburn coat, reached up and unzipped the mouth of the figure’s mask. The figure spoke. “Allow myself to introduce - myself. I am Gimp W. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-utch. Welcome to the basement of the fourteen-millionth Bank of America ATM in the Tri-state Area. When they had the gift of speech, these good Christian monkey-men called themselves Dominionists. They took over the United States g-g-g-g-g-government sixty years ago and harnessed monkey stem cells to reward themselves with the fulfillment of their most profound wish: the ability to prove to the world once and for all that evolution n-n-n-n-n-never, er, evolved, and that God's laws were the only laws worth living by. Now they copulate indiscriminately, eat at Friday's and take nasty dumps everywhere and throw it at each other.

"Before Cyborg Dick Cheney was torn limb from limb in the Third Western Massachusetts Lesbian Softball Rebellion, he chose me to be the articulate leader of the monkey-men and lead them to the Promised Land that we recently annexed from the Idaho Militia. I haven’t gotten around to it yet since I’ve been too busy blowing lines off of my m-m-m-m-master’s b-b-b-boots, but I’ve really had a great time. Since these monkeys have also lost their sense of irony, they don’t know how funny it is that they gave up their humanity to be ruled by a coked-out simp-bitch. But if you think about it, its pret-ty f*ckin’ hilarious.”

“I don’t find it funny at all,” sneered McCane, whose carbonite-infused muscles strained against the straps which still kept him from crushing the blunt skulls of his simian captors.

Gimp W. unzipped his eye holes, leaned forward and said “You need to relax, bro. Just go with it. There’s no fighting the fact that Jesus H. Christ, Our Lord and Savior, knew what he was talking about when he said wise things like ‘No dancing on Sundays.’ and ‘Why use common sense, when you can do what I tell you?’ Stop being such a bitch, or I’ll have Bob Jones here go nuke-yular on your ass.” The auburn monkey flashed a row of white corn fed teeth that looked as if they had benefited from orthodontia.

No one called McCane a bitch. He certainly wasn’t going to sit here and let this gimped out monkey-leader rule the ANWOCAIUN. He was not going to allow these freaks to deprive children of air conditioning because Moses got by without it just fine, or prohibit award shows because Mary Magdelene never won an Oscar. There was no need for savagery!

The light in the room dimmed briefly and McCane saw the lavender face mask of his effeminate sidekick Bloomjob in the window above Gimp W.’s head. He knew Bloomjob would somehow find a way to buy him out of his restraints. Then they would feast on monkey brains like Indiana Jones and put an end to this absurd theocracy. For the time being, he would grit his teeth, deny his humanity, and grunt like the rest of the monkeys. Sometimes you have to make compromises in the face of Christian monkeys in sweaters and a gimped out, stuttering fraternity-boy-man-president. After all, it was better than his stint in the vast underground fetus farms of his former captor, the president of the People’s Republic of Chappaqua. That was enough to turn your hair white.

GOITER

n. an enlargement of the thyroid gland visible as a swelling of the front of the neck. From Middle French goitre, meaning "Jesus f*cking Christ what the hell is that on your face!?" (although they were obviously far more concise, the Middle French, unlike today's Right of Center French, were far less tactful).

Five things you shound not say to someone with a goiter:

1) You should sue the doctor who did your t*ts.
2) What the f*ck are you smiling at?
3) You know, Hillary advises that you chew baby parts thoroughly before swallowing.
4) Can you get me Wolverine's autograph?
5) I bet that's a delicacy in your country.

PAEDOPHAGE

n. one that eats or consumes the young of other species, "paedo" Greek "child", "phage" Greek "eat."

Now, I'm sure many of you ignorant baboons are saying, "But, WordGnome, that stunningly accurate-looking caricature is not fair! Hillary is the best thing to happen to America since Plessy v. Ferguson! There is no way that Hillary eats babies! You're just doing this to be politicalish and you're making these statements to be all argumentical and polemicizationalistic. And you know I'm right, because I'm using big words very confidently." Well, my stuttering slack-jawed hordes, you happen to be "wrongitive" in this instance.

Through my contacts at the National High-Riding Bitch Registry, I have gained access to Hillary's family tree. It appears that she comes from a long line of scoundrels and cannibals. While we know that she was hatched in the same Visitor military breeding bin as Diana and Lydia, few know her true background beyond that. Click on the family tree at right and observe that Hillary is a direct descendant of Alexander "Sawney" Bean, a notorious Scottish cannibal (redundant) who terrorized Ayrshire with his incest, lawlessness and cannibalism. While her Ferengi roots certainly explain her ruthlessness and put her in an entirely different species from ours, her genetic link with both Snakes 'n Snails and Puppy Dog Tails also answers the question as to why she wants a man's job. Its morning again in America, and Hillary is having a Western Nine Month Old Child Omelette with rye toast, well done fried potatoes and a small grapefruit juice for breakfast. Leave no child behind.

SCHADENFREUDE

n. pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

Pronounced "shah-den-froy-duh." Its German, which is not surprising since we all know how much those f*ckers love reveling in the misery of others.

Boston sucks. Patriots suck. Red Sox suck. Today was a good day.

EPITHET

n. a characterizing word or phrase accompanying or occurring in place of the name of a person or thing; a disparaging or abusive word or phrase

Wikipedia claims this comes from the Greek word "epitheton," meaning "imposed." I'll buy it.

My extensive cross-cultural, socio-melanin-gender-probiotic-interfaith sensitive research has revealed an interesting epithet that I want to share with all you honkey-ass crackers out there: "ABCD" "American-born Confused Desi." "Desi" is Hindi for "15% of the world's population and 100% of the world's customer service operators." Clearly there are some Indians who are born in India who resent Indians who don't "keep it real." I'm not sure what "keeping it real" means for Indian people, and my innate sense of racial sensitivity prohibits me from venturing a guess, at the risk of generalizing about a group of people, all of whom will always be less Brahman than me. So I have turned to you, the racist, xenophobic, insensitive WordGnome reader, and you have brought me even MORE epithets!!!! Here is just a sample of the disgusting, race-baiting mind of my average reader:

ABCDEFG: "Aspires to Be Cornell Doctor, Earns F's in Gym"
ABCDE: "A's, not B's, in Calculus and Differential Equations"
ABCD: "Adept at Botching Cab Directions"
RSTUV: "Recycles Self Through Upanishads & Vishnu"
KLMNOPQRSTUV: "Keeps Live Monkeys, Newly of Paramus, Quickly Realizes he Sucks at Tennis, but Untouchable at Vectors"

FOR SHAME, READERS!!!! FOR SHAME!!! Oh wait, one more....this one is about Pakistanis:

HIJKLMNOP: "Hates Indians in Jammu & Kashmir, Loves Mohamed, Never Orders Pork"

Speaking of racial insensitivity, my tshirt store is now open. Buy a tshirt for world peace and understanding. Have a nice day all my Fenian Gweilo Haole Huns!